2021 was a blur, hope 2022 isn't

2021 was a blur. Like literally.

While we all had our share of difficult times, we adorned a big fat smile on our faces, and the flame of hope burned brightly in us. However, this exact thing made me the weakest this year. While I would not wish 2020 upon anyone for obvious reasons, that year had something exciting for me. Every day was different, and I liked how it made me feel. However, 2021 was different. Despite having things happened in my life which were beautiful in their own way, there was no life, there was no excitement – just a tad bit of hope that tomorrow would be better and a smile on my face to conquer the day, which I wished had not dawned on me.

In 2021, I lost the willpower - the willpower to do anything. Every day became mundanely the same. I would wake up in the morning, light a cigarette, gaze at the void, start working, continue to work throughout the day & late into the night and then call it a day when I no longer could burn the midnight’s oil. By the end of the day, I would become tired, and fall asleep the moment I hit the bed. However, there were days where despite being tired, I could not fall asleep. By the time sleep would kick in, the distance chirp of beautiful birds and warm sun rays which penetrated through my translucent curtains would send me signals that it was morning, reminding me that it’s yet another day for me to ‘conquer’.

In 2021, loneliness kicked in like never before.

I have always loved being by myself despite having beautiful people around me. Being in my solitude was a way of protecting myself from the wilderness out there. Perhaps in the years leading up to 2021, I protected myself way too much, that it became difficult to let anyone in. There were friends with whom I hung out, who made me happy, however, the moment I was back to the four walls that knew me inside out, the loneliness would kick in. The distant dark clouds became familiar. The voice in my head got louder and louder that after a point, it became difficult for me to even stay awake.

The only way that I felt less lonely was when I worked. I worked to keep myself focused and engaged. I worked to keep myself distracted from the mundanity of life. I worked and worked and worked, that I would fall asleep the moment I hit my bed because, by the end of a long day, physical and mental exhaustion would hit me on a whole different level.

There was another realisation in 2021 - I read and wrote very little. These were the two things that kept me engaged in the past years, however, the will to read or write or finish something that I’ve started became difficult. I constantly doubted my ability to create something new and thought that whatever I created was of no good; that I wasn’t delivering values to the people who were reading it. But importantly, I forgot the fact that I wrote for myself – to comfort my soul and to let go of things that bothered me. Having forgotten this mere fact led me into a void that was familiar yet unfamiliar. The bright white light overpowered my senses. Instead of guiding me towards my destination, or at least to a mildly comforting place, the light kept pushing me down, sabotaging my existence. I was stuck in a place where I was helplessly immobile, deprived of willpower and hope.

As I retrospect, 2021 could have been better, I should have made it better for myself. There were beautiful things happening to me and around me, however, I couldn't see the beauty in it. I am hoping that 2022 would be kinder to me, or rather, I could be kinder to myself and break the monotony that my life has become.

Happy 2022. Let’s thrive this year and not lose hope, however tiring it is.