The ‘would haves’ and ‘ifs’ of life

I have always wondered,

How different my life ‘would have’ been ‘if’ there was a choice that I could have embraced wholeheartedly?

How different my life ‘would have’ been ‘if’ my mom mustered the courage to stand up for herself and not be blind-sighted by the unrequited love?

How different my life ‘would have’ been ‘if’ I had a normal childhood like any other kid on the block?

How different my life ‘would have’ been ‘if’ I had a shoulder to cry on and hands to guide me through the rocky path that I endured myself?

How different my life ‘would have’ been ‘if’ I had the chance to talk about my feelings to my parents and not find solace with strangers online?

How different my life ‘would have’ been if I knew the difference between a good and a bad touch?

How different my life ‘would have’ been ‘if’ the people that loved and cared for me indeed loved and cared for me?

How different my life ‘would have’ been ‘if’ I didn’t take that flight on a cold winter morning to fly thousands of miles only to know that he found solace in someone else?

How different my life ‘would have’ been ‘if’ I didn’t have to lie on that bed as the man whom I just met was penetrating my soulless body in the name of making love?

How different my life ‘would have’ been ‘if’ I dared to put myself first before anyone else?

How different my life ‘would have’ been ‘if’ my life was as glamorous and happening as my social media feed?

How different my life ‘would have’ been ‘if’ I had the chance to embrace the decisions I made rather than regret them later?

How different my life ‘would have’ been ‘if’ I didn’t have to plaster a smile on my face when all I wanted to do was curl up on my bed and cry myself to sleep?

How different my life ‘would have’ been ‘if’ I didn’t have to wake up every morning in a state of panic and look at my demons smiling upon me?

How different my life ‘would have’ been ‘if’ I didn’t have to ask all of these questions every single day and live a life of misery?

As I reflect on the life that I have been living, all I can think of is that I only have questions to ask but, there aren’t any answers. While many people have opinions about what I should be doing, I don’t know the meaning of my mere existence. When all I want to do is embrace the present, the demons from my past come knocking at my door.

When life gave me lemons, I was so engrossed in making lemonades that I didn’t give myself a chance to embrace the lemon, to look at it, to feel it’s texture, to know where it came from or who gave it to me. And I guess this is where I will find the answers to all my unanswered questions or rather questions to all the uninvited answers.