This comes from a place of INSECURITY
Most often, I feel like I’m caught in a web. A web that’s woven in a pattern that makes it difficult to untangle and seek freedom. Most often, I feel that this web was designed by someone else - someone who didn't like my mere existence, someone who didn't want to see me breaking those glass ceilings, someone who was certainly jealous about what I might achieve. But something that I didn’t realise is no one cared and that I was that someone.
Well, I certainly didn’t weave that web because I wanted to see the end of my existence or crush my dreams even before it saw the daylight, but because I was insecure that I might succeed. I was insecure that I might achieve all that I thought I would. I was insecure that unfamiliar would become familiar and that the unknown would become known. I was insecure that I might end up breaking the glass ceiling and come out in flying colours.
But why was I insecure? Isn’t success great? Isn’t this what I always wanted? Isn’t this something that kept me awake all night and made me dread in the morning to face the known? Then, why was I insecure?
The feeling of insecurity comes from a place of fear. When I look back at this feeling, it was my mistake that I let others dictate what or how I should be doing things. I let others have an opinion about the things that I was passionate about. I listened to these people more than I should have listened to myself. I let their insecurities rub off on me even without realising what I was doing to myself.
A few years ago, I was attending a talk show where Mallika Sarabhai was the guest. At that time, I was a features writer intern and had this innate passion for pursuing writing as a full-time career. I was naive, young, and inexperienced, and I went up to her after the show was over and asked her the question - I want to pursue writing, but I’m not sure if I’ll be a good one and if I’ll succeed in it. She answered, and her answer still stays fresh in my head. She said, “every piece of writing is unique, different and good in its way because every writer thinks, perceives and creates differently, and that’s the beauty of it. So just don’t think about how it’s going to turn out, just think about how it makes you feel, think about the joy that it gives you as you create a magical piece of work. And don’t be hard on yourself because before you write for anyone else, write for yourself.”
And these words from Mallika Sarabhai rings in my ears every time I think of pursuing something that I’m passionate about. But yet, I end up falling into the traps of self-doubt and can’t wrap my head around the fact that I want something different from life and how I’ve been running away from my dreams and aspirations every passing day.
Every time I think of doing something that I’m passionate about, I chicken out. I tend to walk away from it rather than pacing towards it. And I’m not quite sure why it happens because I have a vision, I have a dream that I want to fulfil, yet, I settle for something known and familiar, discomforting and comforting at the same time.
Looking back, if I didn’t let the voices of others overpower mine, I would like to believe that my life would have been different. I would have been at a place where I would have been content. A place that would have been my happy place.