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  • Writer's pictureRoshan Dhanasekar

Why I Can't Be In A Relationship, Or Rather Why I Choose Not To Be In One

I like to consider myself being good at a few things - talking business with a stranger on the phone, clicking decent selfies, conceptualisation, storytelling, and writing (to an extent). But what I’m not good at are relationships or holding conversations with those that I like and can make a future together. I’m bad at it. And I have a whole lot of people, reasons and circumstances to blame for it, but I would like to consider that in the 24 years of my existence, despite having had the examples around me, I haven’t been able to master the art of expressing my emotions or having an honest conversation with the people that I love or care.

I grew up witnessing my parents’ marriage fail. An unhappy wife and an aggressive husband – not a single day went by without conflicts in their interests, ideally ending in full-blown fights. As I sat there looking at both of them argue and my father getting physical with my mother, all I could think of was why my parents didn’t get a divorce. If they were separated, things would have been different. They would have been happy on their terms. They would have found someone, with whom they could have built a family together. But the reality was that they never got a divorce, thus also wiring the thought that one must deal with their partner no matter how bad they are for each other.

And this ruined everything for me.

Having seen what my mother went through in her relationship with my dad, I developed an aversion towards him, and this poor relationship ripened my ‘daddy issues’. Having had no father figure to look up to, I found solace with men who were much older than me. I felt drugged in their presence and gratified my existence. I believed that getting physical with someone was the only way out, opening the doors of love for me. But on the contrary, the hands that helped me undress were now long gone. I believed that it was okay to be in an abusive relationship because that was the example that was set for me.

Researches show that unhappy marriage can compromise on the social and emotional wellbeing of their children, leading to emotional insecurities. And as an adult, I suffer from emotional insecurities. Most times, when the stars are aligned and something good is happening, I go down the spiral of thoughts that nothing good can happen to me and that I don’t deserve these good things that are happening to me. Because most times, I feel that whatever is happening is too good to be true and I sabotage it myself.

As I retrospect, I realise that whatever happened or is still happening in parents’ relationship is wrong. That being in an abusive relationship is not the only way to go about to have that significant other in your life. That it’s okay to say what you feel about the person that you are with. That it’s okay to leave someone when you think they aren’t good for you – physically, mentally and emotionally. And, that it would be possible for you to pick the broken pieces of your heart, glue them together, find someone that you like and be in a relationship, again, but only if you chose to leave your demons in the dungeon and trust your instincts that the history will not repeat.

As I write this, all I have is a little bit of hope – hope that things will turn out to be good, hope that sometimes good things will happen to me and hope that I’ll be able to outgrow my fear of being in a relationship, of getting hurt, and finding happiness.

What are your thoughts about being in a relationship? Have you also journeyed through the phase of self-doubt? Let me know in the comment section below.

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